Friday, February 3, 2012

Baby's Ten Commandments

My latest Facebook status update gave me an idea. Granted, probably an idea that's been done to death in other venues, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want.

E's been suffering with a bad cold for the past few days. Unfortunately he caught it from me. I can't feel too guilty because there's nothing to be done: if he chooses not to let me sleep, I'm ridiculously susceptible to becoming Typhoid Mary, and yet - unless I'm dying - I can't keep the Husband home from work to take care of E so that I can rest and keep from infecting him. Of course, when he's sick, most of the rules I'm learning about raising a tiny human are suddenly even more imperative. Witness the following lessons I've learned:

1. Thou shalt always check to see if thine infant suffers the pangs of hunger when he cries. Verily, this is an assured balm to ease his sorrows.
2. Behold, the fruit of thy womb doth know when the rocking and walking have ceased. If thou shalt cease moving, then shall there be much weeping and wailing and gnashing of gums.
3. Thou shalt have a schedule; yea, and this schedule is thy God. Thou shalt abide by its timetable with much exactness lest thou receive unto thyself a child who is wroth in his weariness. (And again there shall be much weeping and wailing and gnashing of gums)
4. Verily I say unto thee, thy baby must breathe. And yet, lo and behold, the bulb syringe is a scourge and a torment most grievous to be borne. Thou shalt employ it but sparingly and make much atonement for thine offence.
5. A baby's hands are a great joy; yea, they bring much rejoicing when wiggled about or clapped together.
6. Even in slumber, thy child is omniscient: yea, his knowledge is exact. If thou shalt put him down to clean, verily I say unto you that he shall awaken with much swiftness and loud lamentations.
7. Behold, the drum and pipe and tabor do make joyful noise. Yet the drumming thou hearest from thy child's nappy are the sounds of wo and call thee to thy duty. Be thou swift to change these soilings.
8. When sore wailings begin and lamntations wax strong, remember thou that sometimes these things must simply be borne with patience and long suffering and love unfeigned..
9. The sleep of a child is most precious; disturb it not, even to rest the weariness in thy limbs. Bolster thyself with cushions instead to receive strength unto thyself once more.
10. Carry on in thy way with patience and diligence and love thy child with all thy heart and behold his smiles and giggles and cuddles will reward thee with a joy greater than all the treasures of the earth.

And now, in strict adherence to commandment #3 we're going to peace out for a walk around the neighbourhood.

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