Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Good Thing I Test Well...

Surprise! Breastfeeding pop quiz time! Okay, not really, but I did have that moment in the midwife's office today for my 28-week appointment. Remember how I mentioned the nipple-happy Mature-audiences-only cut of the pro-breastfeeding DVD I was given at my last appointment? Little did I know I'd be asked to regurgitate some facts on why boobs are good for babies at my next visit. It reminds me of the assignments on the first day of English Lit in high school "just to prove that you've read it"...or some such logic. Lucky for me some lame mention of SIDS and increased immunity from anti-bodies was all I needed to satisfy my midwife. Well, I needed that and to let her take my blood pressure, measure my bump, and put a few chemical testing strips in a sample of pee. TMI? Get used to it: nothing is private any more when you decide to have a baby. Dignity? Never heard of it.

Okay, I'm kidding...slightly. You just learn to share personal details about the intimate workings of your body in the same way you'd scare off a wild animal: look them straight on and don't break eye contact.  Besides, it's better to overshare in a situation like this: at least that means that your health care provider is on the same page you are about your health and the baby's.

That said, there's so much I could go into about the whole process of growing and birthing a tiny human that just rubs me the wrong way. And by "rubs me the wrong way", I think I mean, "is absolutely and completely ludicrous, insane, and sometimes, just plain wrong." Or, in other words, stuff that falls into the category of, "Aw, hell naw!"

1) Homeopathy to ease pregnancy pains. I've gone into this enough, but I may actually devote a whole post to it later.
2) Acupuncturists who claim to treat infertility...well, any acupuncturist, really.
3) Baby yoga. Let me just get Child Protective Services on speed dial right now... (yeah, I checked on of the links for this was removed under the rules about "shocking and disgusting content". That says it all, really. Who the hell in their right mind swings their baby around like a yo-yo!?)
4) Posting intimate details about how your labour is progressing on Facebook. Be decent people...filter yourselves. (Or to put it colloquially: "Eeewww! Ain't nobody wanna hear all dat!")
5) The idea that pregnant women shouldn't do anything more strenuous than chow through a bag of Doritos with their swollen ankles propped up on a pillow. Can we tell I get incensed about this one? The next person who screams at me to put down a chair I'm carrying or gives me the evil eye at the gym is getting a fat lip.

Having a baby is quite the experience, let me tell you! I feel like there should be a disclaimer or something: "Pregnancy: not for the faint of heart." (Or the easily gullible...or those who value privacy/personal space...or people with a short fuse...or the clinically stupid.) Basically, as long as you're a reasonably intelligent human being and you accept that everyone will have an opinion on everything you do and will not be able to keep this opinion to'll be fine! ;-)

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